The Set-up

God has presented me with a curious opportunity. I may get to start dancing again. Not dance party dancing- Ezra and I do a lot of that, but organized, intentional art making!

The story of my dance life feels at this point like a long-distant (although it was only cut short about 7 years ago) chapter of my 26 year long past. If I was a character in a mystery novel, the ballet stuff is the character development that would begin to come out in the middle of the book. All the other characters would know, "oh, she used to do ballet or something," but none of them would realize until the end of the story exactly how largely that ballet dancing stuff actually figured in my life and how persistently and frequently the memory of it variably plagued, inspired, depressed and generally messed in my basic emotional, spiritual, and physical make-up. I feel like it is a secret wound/ jewel that I carry around right over my heart, just beneath the cleavage line so no one ever sees it.

26 is young to have a past "career." I have to use the quote marks because I made it to the precipice of a professional dance life and had chances to put my toes over the edge, but never got to actually get into my bungee gear and jump. Instead, I fell in a very real, completely non-metaphorical way and wound up 7 years later as a wife, mother, Business School graduate, and EX-dancer.

I'll tell the whole story of that climb towards a dream and the tumble that followed over the life of this blog, but for now you need only know that I might get to be a dancer again. I may be able to remove the big EX prefix that croaks like a raspy crow in my mind every time anyone says to a beautiful, fresh, little girl, "you know, Miss Jessica is a ballerina." "EX," the crow voice rasps. "EX-ballerina," I say to myself as that wound stings so deeply while I go through the motions of asking little ballerina to twirl, relevee, and plie for me. "EXcellent," I say to her.

So, here is what it will take:

• Learn to be OK with (in your own mind) SUCKING at something you love but, in your head, can still do excellently
• Pray and continue in the process of healing from all that happened back then
  
• Attempt to incorporate worship into your dancing in a way that you've never had the opportunity to do
• Get your flabby self from post-partum to dancer shape
• Gingerly coax damaged dancer self from the closet you've stuffed her in for the last 7 years... she is NOT convinced that it's safe to come out
• Begin to truly share a wealth of love, experience, and knowledge of one of the most challenging fine art forms (in my humble opinon)
• Try to find out why in the world God created you to be a dancer

I'm hoping to do posts regarding all of these points as I tip-toe back into this dancing thing.

Here is the little company I'm shooting for: Sixth Day Dance
They are unlike any other group I've joined. Dance-wise, it shouldn't be too challenging... but, maybe it will be because, as I love to say, the old grey mare, she ain't what she used to be!!!

My God is more good than any of us could ever understand.