The Audition

The audition was yesterday. It was *supposed* to be held at Westlake Dance Center in Northgate; we wound up dancing in the parking lot... but I'll get to that.

Given the relative stress-level of this audition against other auditions I've done, I shouldn't have been nervous at all. However, I was nervous for a whole new set of reasons this time. First of all, I knew there was a serious risk of improv requirements... these modern dance types love that stuff. I can improv if I have to... but I mostly LOATHE it. I like to choreograph, and I like to dance alone; but, improv is another ball of wax. You have to drum up creativity based on someone else's idea or music or feeling right on the spot. I can do it, but I don't love it. I always wind up looking like an idiot. For those of you who remember, I was reminded of a certain Bon Marche commercial audition in which we were asked to "take this purse and dance- express good feelings about the change of the season." UGGHHH- most embarrassing moment of my life, and I would pay very good money for the video tape.

They did make me improv. Good thing I spent some time dancing in the living room before I left, so I at least had some material already somewhat in my body to work from.

The other reason I was nervous was the interview requirement... not that I don't love, as an ESFJ, being asked to talk about myself ;). I can't help but come off as myself in situations like that, though. So, if myself is not what they are looking for... then I will not get whatever position I'm trying for. It's a blessing and a curse. I came away feeling like I was a little too jesky. I tend to scare people at first, but they always like me later. One of my favorite things I've ever been told: "I thought you were going to be all weird, but turns out you're just honest and fun." Thanks :)

Final, and only REAL reason for nervousness: dancing for people who really wanted to see me as a dancer. They wanted to know who I was and wanted to see it in my dancing. Now, it could be argued that all dance companies/teachers/choreographers want that... but they usually also want to know if you fit what they want you to be. I don't feel that with Sixth Day, and I don't quite know how to react. I'm perfectly happy to emote in character, but to just be myself... that's a different thing. For someone who can talk about anything, and I mean ANYTHING, personal with almost anyone, you'd think this would be easy. I'll have to delve deeper into the subject as I encounter my feelings further. For now, I just know that I really, really want to be able to dance as myself, and I'm just now starting to learn how to dance as this new self. I'm old tiny mascot from my Lone Star Ballet days and Jessuperadicawesome from the PNB days still - and I'm so glad to get to be them again- but I'm also this new person: mommy, injured, older, humbler, wizened, etc.

So, I got there. The interview was good. I enjoyed it. I'll share one question from it for you to ponder, so you too can get in touch with your deep self: What kind of car and what color would you be and why? No, I'm not telling you what I said. But, I did say, "umm, well I'm happy to answer this, but I have to tell you that I have a Business BA in HR so that really affects how I'm going to answer..."

The parking lot was a bit disorienting. They for some reason didn't have keys to the studio. Now, I've danced in parking lots MANY times (thanks, LSB!). In fact, I once did a show in the back of a flatbed truck in front of the Potter County Courthouse in Amarillo, TX and my picture made the front page... and my bloomer covered crotch featured prominently thanks to the West Texas winds. So, it wasn't that alarming, But, it was difficult to dance in a new way without mirrors on a "raked stage" complete with cigarette butts and rocks. I enjoyed the choreography, though.



I got in.

Wavering

I've reached that point that I always come to when I get this ballet-bee in my bonnet. I'm a little bit chicken. I don't know about this whole plan... it's a little scary. It's much easier to mope and be sad about dancing every few weeks than to put myself through all this again. The difference, though, this time is that I have a tangible, achievable (I think) goal ahead of me. I'm really eager to have a new group of people and a new studio to do all this. This class-at-PNB stuff is way to psychologically challenging. My mother-in-law called me brave for doing it, and, gosh darn it, I think she's right!

I took class on Wednesday at PNB, and the teacher was one of my most frequent instructors back in the day. For those of you who would know, here are a few clues:

• Would let us do the DanceWorks video instead of class
• Always stole our Krispy Kremes
• Likes to watch herself tendue :)

Anyway, I did always like her class, always fun and dancey, so I thought it'd be sort of fun to take from her again. It was; but altogether the experience was a little TOO familiar (right down to me standing at my old place at the barre), and I had to keep from leaving the room crying many times! I managed it. I just really can't handle being surrounded by PD's and level VIII's. It's too close to home. It's too easy to compare myself to the beautifully dancing stick figures all around me and get mopey about how that's what I used to look and feel like.

But, this time, I was able to build a bridge (and get over it). I ain't what I used to be... SO WHAT!? Well, it is sad, but I'm starting to feel like there's no use in crying over spilled milk. Granted, my situation was/is a little more serious than spilled milk, but still. I'm a different dancer now. I tried to enjoy dancing old steps with a different body and new feelings, and for the most part, I did. It's ok that things have changed. In fact, it's GOOD that things have changed. Life experience makes it's way into the productions of the artist. I think the sadness over dance that I've known makes it possible for me to value it in a way that others may not be able. And besides...

I can still developpe side higher than the whole room ;)

Soundtrack

I've been thinking a lot about how this all began back in the day and a few quotes come to mind.

In response to: What do you want to be when you grow up?
"A dancer... a BALLERINA dancer" Me, age 3

And then, there is this gem from a "paper" I wrote in the first grade (spelling corrected):
"When I grow up, I want to be a ballerina. If God does not want me to be one, I won't. I'll be whatever God wants me to be, even a missionary."

Yep, that's really exactly what it says. I was 6. Goes to show what a long and beautifully woven continuum all our lives are, I think. I see that even at 6, God was preparing me for just what was to come, not that I'm announcing any plans to go into foreign missions at the moment. :)

Thinking of those very earliest desires and dreams reminded me of a BIG reason I wanted to be a ballerina: The Sleeping Beauty. It has everything a six-year-old ballerina wannabe could want: Princess, Evil Fairy Queen, Fairies, and the Prince. It was my favorite Disney movie; we rented it every time we went to the movie store. I remember loving the first song in the movie. Perhaps you remember: "Hail to the king; hail to the queen; and hail to the Princess Aurora." I could not (and still can't... yes, we own it) understand the rest of the words. Of course, I did not learn until probably the next couple of years that the music from the movie is the score composed for the ballet version of the fairy tale. I still think that Prologue music is wonderful and catchy.

I performed in The Sleeping Beauty with PNB twice, and both times I was in the Prologue and was on stage during my favorite music. I was not, however, a fairy... I was a wet nurse and a court lady.... LAME. But, at least I got to be in an excellent production of my favorite ballet. Yes, it is my favorite ballet even though that is SO not cool of me. Don't worry; all my other favorites are Forsythe. *wink*

I'll have to do a post sometime about that last go in Beauty; it was pretty pathetic and sad. Symbolic in CRAPPY ways.

For now, consider this entry numero uno in the soundtrack listing of my ballet life.
1. Opening of the Prologue, The Sleeping Beauty. P.I. Tchaikovsky

On the horizon, Debbie Gibson, Electric Youth, Dave Matthews Band, Goo Goo Dolls, some Counting Crows, Death Cab for Cutie... oh yeah, get excited ;)

Let's Get Physical

Oh how I love a provocative title. However, unlike Ms. Olivia Newton-John, I'm referring to getting my baby-blown abs back to their previous shape.

Oh how I love Pilates. I think my first pilates experience was at an American Ballet Theater Summer Course when I was 14. Being the weak little thing that I was, I should have pounced on it then, but my true initiation didn't really happen until the PNB days. I have fond/horrified memories of my first go on the Reformer (yes, that's the real name of the most famous Pilates apparatus). I almost fell off doing stomach massage (yes, that's the real name of the exercise). I did fall off the Chair once... another story.

Anyway, Pilates is an amazing breath-based, core strengthening and stretching system. It does wonders for your whole body. I attribute some of my great birthing skills to Pilates and its ancestor, yoga. I love it because it is gentle, effective, and beautiful. I will say this, though: it ain't for getting skinny. It helps because it lengthens muscle and firms you, but it's not aerobic enough to really melt any fat off of you. Unless, you don't need to lose much. So, don't be mad at it and say it doesn't work if that's why you're using it. Pilates and I are friends, and I have its back!

I don't want to lose weight. I'm just fine; I'm not freakish dancer weight (which was healthy and naturally attained), but I'm still thin for my height bracket. NOW, before any of my friends (yes, YOU) start getting internally pissed that I'm even writing about this subject, please recall that you've got to see this whole post from the perspective of a brain-washed former ballet dancer. I don't think I'm fat so don't call me up all worried. I'm writing this because it is part of my Rocky-esque process, and the routine that follows WILL, if done properly and faithfully, tone your abs too!

Each morning my "training partner" and I do this ab series:

• warm-up with some low back flexion and extension and ab prep (gentle, slow sit ups)
• 1 set of Hundreds (google it- I'm too tired to explain it)
  
• 20-30 "regular" crunches
• 15 with both knees dropped to the left (for the obliques... no more muffin-top!)
  
• 20 regulars
• 15 with both knees dropped to the right
• 20 regulars
• 20 alternating knees
  (for this one: curl your shoulder blades up off the floor into the height of a crunch position. lift and extend one leg out in front of you at a 45 degree angle from the floor, lower if you can handle it and keep your back pressed to the ground. pull the other knee into your chest. switch your legs back in forth. use your arms to GENTLY take hold of the knee that's coming in)
• 20 bicycles (same as above but put your arms behind your head, elbows wide, like your crunching. twist your body as your knee comes in so that your opposite elbow and knee *could* touch)
• 20 scissors (body up in crunched position. legs up; feet pointed straight up at the ceiling. "scissor," switch your legs back and forth. you GENTLY pull one leg towards you while the other lowers as much as possible, keeping your belly button pulled in and your back pressed to the floor)
• 20 outs-n-ins (this is MY name for it, though it is like a Teaser. crunch your body pulling both knees into your chest with your arms. then, extend both your arms and legs away from your core while keeping your chest off the ground. bonus points for making pretty, balletic circles with your arms as they move out and in in coordination with your legs. Brendan always comments on my pointed toes.)

YOU'RE DONE! Roll onto your belly and press your chest away from the floor to stretch your abs. This little routine is easy and only takes about 10 or 15 minutes, but it WORKS. You will be sore. Do it every other day or so until the soreness isn't so bad. Then, do it everyday. Then, do it morning and night. Then, add more repetitions or do the whole thing through twice. You could have better abs in about two weeks and MUCH better abs in 6 weeks.

A few tips:

• Good music ideas (although Pilates is NOT done to music) include Cake's Comfort Eagle, Radiohead's Amnesiac (track 5 is AWESOME for this), or White Stripes 7 Nation Army
• Keep your belly flat! If you are exercising and you look down and see your abs pooching out it a bar shape, quit it! If you exercise that way, they will look that way when you're done -- POOCHY. You can keep your abs flat by pulling your belly button in towards the ground, crunching up by imagining your lower ribs pushing down through your back towards the floor, and breathing in and out while you work. It is hard to stay poochy when your diaphragm pulls up into your chest cavity as you exhale. Exhale on the work, as you crunch up.
• Use a partner. Husbands do well, and I'm sure their abs could use it too. Be nice to each other though. Brendan and I work well together b/c I can kick his butt in ab work, but he kicks mine in arm and chest work.
  

Stay tuned for the "get your bu-thighs in shape" post

The Set-up

God has presented me with a curious opportunity. I may get to start dancing again. Not dance party dancing- Ezra and I do a lot of that, but organized, intentional art making!

The story of my dance life feels at this point like a long-distant (although it was only cut short about 7 years ago) chapter of my 26 year long past. If I was a character in a mystery novel, the ballet stuff is the character development that would begin to come out in the middle of the book. All the other characters would know, "oh, she used to do ballet or something," but none of them would realize until the end of the story exactly how largely that ballet dancing stuff actually figured in my life and how persistently and frequently the memory of it variably plagued, inspired, depressed and generally messed in my basic emotional, spiritual, and physical make-up. I feel like it is a secret wound/ jewel that I carry around right over my heart, just beneath the cleavage line so no one ever sees it.

26 is young to have a past "career." I have to use the quote marks because I made it to the precipice of a professional dance life and had chances to put my toes over the edge, but never got to actually get into my bungee gear and jump. Instead, I fell in a very real, completely non-metaphorical way and wound up 7 years later as a wife, mother, Business School graduate, and EX-dancer.

I'll tell the whole story of that climb towards a dream and the tumble that followed over the life of this blog, but for now you need only know that I might get to be a dancer again. I may be able to remove the big EX prefix that croaks like a raspy crow in my mind every time anyone says to a beautiful, fresh, little girl, "you know, Miss Jessica is a ballerina." "EX," the crow voice rasps. "EX-ballerina," I say to myself as that wound stings so deeply while I go through the motions of asking little ballerina to twirl, relevee, and plie for me. "EXcellent," I say to her.

So, here is what it will take:

• Learn to be OK with (in your own mind) SUCKING at something you love but, in your head, can still do excellently
• Pray and continue in the process of healing from all that happened back then
  
• Attempt to incorporate worship into your dancing in a way that you've never had the opportunity to do
• Get your flabby self from post-partum to dancer shape
• Gingerly coax damaged dancer self from the closet you've stuffed her in for the last 7 years... she is NOT convinced that it's safe to come out
• Begin to truly share a wealth of love, experience, and knowledge of one of the most challenging fine art forms (in my humble opinon)
• Try to find out why in the world God created you to be a dancer

I'm hoping to do posts regarding all of these points as I tip-toe back into this dancing thing.

Here is the little company I'm shooting for: Sixth Day Dance
They are unlike any other group I've joined. Dance-wise, it shouldn't be too challenging... but, maybe it will be because, as I love to say, the old grey mare, she ain't what she used to be!!!

My God is more good than any of us could ever understand.